Second draft reflections

This draft is far from being finished. So much more to read and understand. I started in a different point to get to an intriguing area that is dragging me into exploration and obsession.

“It didn’t need to be finished”, to quote my colleague Karen. Did I enjoy the painful journey? Yes certainly! Why do some of us like exploring painful areas? Do I want to get to the bottom of this? … I’m unsure if I’m coherent in places or if I make sense at all with my writing. The process was messy. It was made of having books and printed paper all over my desk, with several tabs opened and millions of random thoughts dragging me from area to area.

The past week, during some nights, I woke up and searched for my glasses and phone to add a note, which at the time seemed perfect, and the effort paid was minimal, but it didn’t seem to have the same value the next day.

The discussions I had with the Seven Int. group  (made of Ben, George, Karen, Karl, Holly, Martina and me) generated an impulse to get this done (but not finished).

Academic writing was never my strong skill; making – either photographs or engaging with new mediums such as clay and acrylic paint, or fabricating or fixing things is what I love, but ironically, I gave dedication and effort to this painful process, which generated new ways I want to explore and apply to art making.

Like many others in our group, I’ve been going through hard times recently, and I’m not fully out of the woods yet. The struggle feels omnipresent, and I find myself grappling with many challenges.

There were moments when I had emails in drafts to infrom Jonathan about taking a year out.

Since SHaazia was hospitalised im running mainly on adrenaline. And if that was not hard enough for me to go through, after having some tests, I found that I suffer from high iron in my blood; they discovered that I stage 2 kidney doses, and heart aritmia is also being investigated because of the heart palpitations I have.

The GP referred me for CBT therapy...15 weeks later, the discharge letter said that my depression and anxiety were still high, but they couldn't carry on. So it didn't work. What's next? More therapy? Meds?

Fuck it! I'll try to discipline myself and do more of what I like - art, photography, exploration of the unknown, help others.

I feel unhappy with my paper, I hoped to do better, but surrounded my all I had to go trough thats my nbest at the moment. Im not sure of the idea of it being public - it make me feeling embarrassed, scrutinized, judged, and almost amputated. I assume some people may have read it, but I’d rather not have confirmation because of how it would make me feel.

Is it fair to read someone’s work without giving feedback?

I agree that feedback and critique are part of the learning process, and perhaps there should be a session for that, but it’s hard to navigate the vulnerability it brings.

Right now, I’m just trying to hold things together amid the mental chaos. It feels as if life has been set to disrupt and fracture the work I’ve done for this paper and for UNIT2, forcing me to adapt by using hope as a torch to light the dark alleyway of learning.

Writing this paper has been a challenge that many of us share. It has been incredibly hard to produce work while grappling with the stress of writing this paper.