I didn't post for a while, I have few drafts which I wrote during the past days but I didn't finalised them and post as it was hectic, they don't make sense to post now.
After a very stressful week Shaazia was discharged on Thursday 2nd May. Myopericarditis was the diagnosis. She will continue recovering at home, off work 3 weeks and no exercise for 3 months minimum. I still have flashbacks of that Saturday when the doctors were coming constantly on the ward to check and make adjustments saving Shaazia's life. It was the scariest time of my life. Those days passed so hard. I was functioning mechanically full of pain and running on adrenaline. Morning to evening and evening to morning was the pattern, setting to do list and constantly checking and double checking as my mind was not functioning clearly.
Portraying as strong in front of Sara and when with Shaazia was difficult but somehow I managed. I was constantly extremely calm in their presence. I was always thinking well what I say next when around them. Trying to encouraging them constantly. Crying and screaming of pain when alone in the car.
Counting blessings was the best strategy. I wasn't religious before this happened, but engaging with divinity and practicing the ritualic Islamic prayer really helped. I still don't know the words of the prayer, as it is in Arabic, I read it from my phone, or I followed others. Meditation trough individual prayers worked also.
As a person I always tried to be humble, but this experience really humbled me even more. Life is very special and is very fragile. We are just passing by really - sounds cliche I know . The thought of loosing my life partner was incredible painfully close, I could feel it burning me out of life. Im so grateful to have Shaazia around me, she is a very kind, gentle, loving, caring human. I'm learning so much from her every days. She is my best friend.
While visiting Shaazia twice a day every day I noticed on the floor these beautiful oases of light on the corridor of the Harefield hospital . I took photos of them, as they were warming and hope givers. Each image represents each day Shaazia was hospitalised.
